Category Archives: Life as I Know It

Sep14

Love Misunderstood

Posted on by
Standard

I stood looking, hands hanging down

Not knowing how to overcome the animosity within.

Passion so deep – made of pure pain – rises to be heard, but is mute.

Voice is useless, baseless noise and the broken sounds fall on defensive guilt.

The wounded heart retreats.

Again.

Again.

Again.

But the light still streaks through crevices of the mind,

Streaming into the little places of insight.

Are the shadows too large for the tiny spark?

Give me something to burn and I will lift the veil.

Show me the keystone and I will tumble the tower.

Silence

Answered me

No,

The destruction cannot be won.

Collapse will begin when the conspiracy fails.

All truth becomes experience.

Surrender.

Image

Sep6

Just Another Day

Posted on by
Standard

Today used to be my wedding anniversary. What once was a significant date with happy memories attached is now just another number on the calendar. It was a gradual erosion. A long time ago, there were celebrations and gifts…then cards and flowers…then dinners and pleasantries. Now there is silence.

As the day began, I realized it would have been 16 years. But it isn’t. It’s no longer a marker of anything special.

Like a sand castle, time was spent building, constructing a place… with towers and spires… and bridges. A little more here, a little smoothed-over there. With each addition, it grew to something recognizable.  A moat was dug for protection from the encroaching sea. The sun shone on the glistening grains and it was good. Not Cinderella’s castle, but a fortress with flags flying nonetheless.

Then the tide turned.  At first, just small damage was done to the perimeter. Then wave after wave assaulted the structure. The intrusion ate at the foundation until the crumbling began. One wall at a time, it slipped away. Eventually, as always, the big breaker came.  Crashing too close, it overwhelmed the turrets and the last defenses. When the water receded, the castle was gone. No one walking past would ever know what had been.

I thought I would be sentimental about it all. But I’m not. It was created, it stood tall, it washed away.  Maybe it’s because it was a slow decline. Maybe it’s because a part of me knew all along it was temporary… like all things.  And now, surveying the landscape, I’m just a witness. I don’t regret the effort I put in. It was time well spent while the sun was warm. I don’t curse the forces of nature that swept it away. It’s inevitable. Things change. People change.

What remains… or what has been re-created…is the beauty of a pristine beach as far as the eye can see.

Jul21

Dark Night Falls

Posted on by
Standard

Come on, he said, it’ll be good

Everyone’s goin’ from the neighborhood

Got the tickets, got some snacks

We’ll just hang out, we’ll just relax

Nestled into crowded seats

We held hands and felt complete

Flickering lights in the solemn dark

All at once came sudden sparks

Smoke and gas filled the air

Special effects meant just to scare?

No, not at all, this is for real

Stinging eyes, that burning feel

Hot shards tearing through my skin

Molten metal weaves within

Blood, tears and children’s screams

Chill my bones like ghastly dreams

Consuming what should have been fun

The maniac murders everyone

Like threatened spiders people crawled

Across the aisles the dead are sprawled

My head spins, painful throbbing

Sisters, brothers moaning, sobbing

All the while the silver screen

Plays on surreal fiction scene

And we all ask is this your will to do

No, God said, I’m crying too.

Jul19

Identity Theft

Posted on by
Standard

Is it my faceImage

Or my voice

Could it be this place

Or where I was born

Is it the way I look

Or how I feel

Who I am

Is this for real

The things I say

Have they been said before

Am I the song I sing

Or is there more

Stories I tell

And things I’ve done

I remember well

But am I the only one

Were others like me

Now long gone

Am I a daughter

Or am I my sons

On my own

I can clearly see

By myself

I am all

Me

Jul14

Casting Off

Posted on by
Standard

Image

Like a child gathering daisies, I collected stories of the past

Memories built a lifetime destined not to last

Harvested by a farmer, baskets filled with sorrow

Indulged my mournful soul not ready for tomorrow

Burdened like a peddler with more than one could bear

I stumbled under sadness and wandered everywhere

Until at last I pondered what benefit I’d found

In heaping piles of grief and so I laid them down

One by one I placed them gently on the waves

And let the ripples take them to an ocean’s grave

And now with empty hands, my cares all lost at sea

Peace has finally found me. My heart has been set free.

Jul5

Each Other

Posted on by
Standard

When I was afraid

You held my hand

And told me not to worry

You taught me trust

You led me and followed me

Saying I will go with you

I will be there

When I was afraid

Of what the future held

You knew it would be fine

You are all brave things

It’s time now

When you are afraid

Of what will come

In the darkness or the light

I will hold your hand

When you are afraid

I can say today is good

We will trust

In what the future holds

But you cannot stay

And I cannot go

Yet you will not be alone

When what will come, comes

It will be fine

You are all brave things

Jun13

Get in Line

Posted on by
Standard

The food court.

When it comes to eating, does it get any better than this?

I mean, obviously it’s not the most gourmet or luxurious environment, but where else can you – and everyone else – get such selection? You can order up whatever you want – sushi or stir-fry, pizza or subs, tacos or burgers, deli or salads, even smoothies and fro-yo. The worst part is deciding. Once you do, you may have to wait in line and then maybe do a little scouting for a table, but where else can you get exactly what you crave with so little effort?

It’s a lot like life.

We are surrounded by amazing abundance. Everything that anyone could possibly want is within reach. It doesn’t always look like what we think it should… (You don’t always need linen napkins) …but as far as variety goes, it’s out there, like the most amazing buffet. What a blessing that the hardest part is choosing – what career, who to partner with, when (or if) to have children, where to live, how to spend our time. Of course, once we choose, we may need to be patient or put out some effort to make it happen, but the choices are ours to make, and the options are limitless.

(Me? I’ll have a little of this and a little of that, but I don’t worry about missing anything. I’ll be back.)

May20

Genesis

Posted on by
Standard

“A subject for a great poet would be God’s boredom after the seventh day of creation.” ~ Nietzsche

big bang

First there was here
And then there was there
Now here is this
That then is where

It was just an idea
Whose time was right
Long enough in the dark
Let there be light

Now this cannot be with that
There must be below
Here must be above
And it was so

There will be bounty
Here will be vast
All things will be plenty
And it was cast

Balance was needed
Hence the sun
As well stars and moon
And it was done

Spirit must go
To be on land and sea
Living in this place
Let it so be

Love burst forth
Men and women to share
In All that Is
Born was the pair

Intelligence is
Wisdom will be
Available to all
And it grew on a tree

We as sad children
Acted out on our fears
Did sorrow discover
And shed our first tears

Alas, said the Lord
Look what I’ve done
Life and death forever
It has begun

Then without pride
Or judgment or shame
He rested at last
And turned on the game

Apr2
Posted on by
Quote

From my window I can see a pond.

I guess it’s not really a pond. It’s a bioswale where the runoff from the rain fills the retention basin until it can slowly seep into the ground. But, when the water is up, and there are ducks paddling, it’s a pond. It’s surrounded on three sides by a small forest and the little hill around it is high enough to serve for sledding in the snow.

There’s a hawk that circles over the woods occasionally; some doves nest nearby; a swarm of sparrows visits regularly; and every now and then a blue heron tries his luck. Mostly though, gaggles of Canada geese visit to graze the green grass on the slope and float on what water is there. I watch them grazing, a few keeping their heads up on guard while the others eat. Then in turn the others will stand watch until everyone has his fill.

The past few days a single goose has been here by herself. I say “her” because she’s a little slighter in size than most of the geese I see. She grazes alone. She swims alone. She tucks her legs under her and rests alone. A dog-walker came a little close, and she rose up and waddled a few steps, spread her wings in a flurry and settled back down. The puppy proved disinterested and wandered on.

So I wonder about this lone goose. Certainly, she would be safer among her relatives.  Might she be injured? But no, she has flown to the water and landed and swam, so clearly if she wanted, she could leave.  Has the flock left her?  Do geese do that? Abandon one of their own? But again, a gaggle passes over and she doesn’t even honk at them.  She has the grass she needs for grazing, the pond – should she need to move away from danger – and at the rim of the berm, she rests.

Brave goose.

She passes the time in serene surroundings.

Such is the way with wild animals. In uncomplicated nature, they are fulfilled in each moment. Once basic needs are met, they are at ease – creatures with no struggle, no schedule, no worry, no regret. Compelled at times to action, but moving freely, living their lives to the utmost of their natural ability.

And as the last light of day skims the treetops and sets the edge of the hill softly aglow, she lingers, content.

“…therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. ”

Matthew 6:25-34

On Her Own

Mar24

All Fired Up

Posted on by
Standard

porcelin

The heat is unbearable.

I always thought it was smart to bring a jacket. Now I’m stuck in three layers of clothing, sitting next to a rather large individual in a fairly small seat on the train.

Why, in God’s name, would they set the thermostat so high when it’s such a beautiful day? Looking around however, I’m the only one noticing the heat. Is it just me?

Oh, I get it.

It is just me.

Dammit.

My sister warned me about this. Out of nowhere, you become a kiln. A sensation starts small in the core of your body and ignites every cell on its move outward. Suddenly, what was comfortable is now suffocating and stifling. There’s an incredible urge to start unbuttoning everything. This is a public place though. I can’t exactly strip down. Oh dear God, will I actually immolate? Probably not. So here I am suffering the fires of transformation in golden silence.

It’s a test, I know.

Just as soft clay is fired to harden it to ceramic, the experience of my childhood, my youth, and my adulthood is being forged into the fullness of being a mature woman.

In a kiln, the higher the temperature, the finer the porcelain becomes. The imperfections are eliminated, the fine lines of paint are made permanent, and the colors become enameled. The result is a visibly delicate, but incredibly strong piece of china capable of withstanding daily use while maintaining its beauty.

And that is how it is with women. We reach a point where experience has done its job to teach us all the things we need to know… to be durable, to be practical and yet to display our gifts in a way that highlights the best qualities of our feminine assets.

We know who we are.

The doubts are burned off. The fear turns to ashes, and anxiety is just smoke rising and wafting away. With confidence and clarity we move into the new territory of being ourselves. Not a daughter anymore. Not a wife anymore. Not a mommy anymore. We become the women we knew our grandmothers to be: calm, assured, optimistic and ever faithful, tender yet strong, with the perspective to gauge the passing days over the lengthy years.

So as the intensity of this moment subsides, I’ll not wish it away. I will remember that in these brief minutes of internal combustion lies the serenity of my future.